There were 10 free sessions. I wrote a diary each time I meditated. This is not a blog about my ‘opinion’ on mediation. It is simply my experience, what I learnt. Written not to teach, but having read my diary I think entertain might be more appropriate!
It all began in London…..
Staying with my daughter Chloe – Overslept and missed the joint session, in other words failed before I even started! Interesting, keen to continue. Just sitting still and trying to think of nothing but myself for 10 minutes was quite intense. How weird.
Timing is going to be important if I am to fit this in regularly. My life is not regular. Decided not to sacrifice 10 minutes of sleep in the morning as I am reading about the importance of sleep and that seems counter productive. I am very positive that an afternoon session will work best.
Ran out of time so had to meditate before bed. Too tired, was lying down instead of sitting by mistake as I am a beginner at this and forgot the rules. After a few adjustments I was ready. Fell asleep. Fail. Note to self, don’t lean against anything whilst meditating, or maybe do it earlier?
Started well then noticed an acrid smell. Had left some seeds in the oven and they were burning. Also thought the session had stopped because nothing was said for ages. Pressed a few buttons on my phone then jumped out of my skin when the voice suddenly started again. I was just being impatient. Felt very relaxed but could have done better with a little more preparation before the session.
Timing was bad, too close to classes so just wanted it to end! Very bad attitude, need to get better at this.
Success! Really enjoyed this session. Felt calmer afterwards. Love the image of thoughts being like traffic. Acknowledge them but let them pass. Don’t get caught up in the traffic. Thoughts, I have so many, often all at the same time. TRAFFIC JAM.
Half way point musings:
Really want to feel as though I have made progress before session 10. Thought I would be better at this than I am which is a very good reason to continue. My daughter listened to my diary and suggested that meditation probably wasn’t for me. Fair point. I am now very determined to understand why I am failing to embrace something I actually want to do.
On a very long train journey so feeling quite uncomfortable physically. Decided it would be a good use of 10 minutes to mediatate. I almost forgot about my aching legs and numb bum! Managed to allow my thoughts to come and go without finding myself distracted completely. This is progress.
I am learning that meditation is not about trying to achieve something, it is about trying to do nothing in order to move forward in a better state of mind, or at least that is what I understand at this point.
Pressed the wrong buttons and deleted the session. Felt very frustrated with myself and annoyed as each session follows on from the last and would be referred to in session 8. Dammit.
Session 7 was about blue skies, I so wanted to hear about blue skies. Frustration passed quickly as I relaxed into the session. Quite a meaningful moment when I ‘scanned down the body’ and discovered that although I thought I was totally relaxed, when I got to my middle there were butterflies. I realised then that having just discovered the date I am to move house I was nervous about it. A revelation that I noted. This was the first session that I didn’t want to end as quickly as it did.
Away on a cruise, terrible late night decision to mediate in the early hours with a friend. had we been drinking coffee it probably would have been fine. I have no memory of this session.
It came, it went. I noticed things I should not have. The voice had become irritating and monotonous. I wanted a drink of water more than I wanted to relax. There was some relief when it ended. Hmmm this is interesting. Am I mentally running away from this venture because I am failing?
I can see the benefits and have already suggested to a number of people that it might be very helpful for them. Those people are very different from me.
I didn’t dismiss this experience, I pondered it for a while and found myself writing the following:
I can wear myself out just being me, but who is ‘me’? Someone who never needs to just sit. Someone whose mind is never still. Someone who is happy and blessed so does not need to change anything. Someone who struggles to focus when alone and gets distracted easily. I accept all this as normal but is it time to change just a little?
The main learning point from all this is that you can only benefit from meditation if you are disciplined enough to carve the time out of your day to give it a proper try. If you try it, don’t be random like me. Do it at the same time every day.
Meditation and I will definitely meet again….one day.